One Trigger at a Time

The other night I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. Why? Why did I wake up crying at 2am? What was my dream about? I tried to remember. I remember feeling trapped, bullied, and hurt. It was physically painful. The images in my dream were only symbolic and paled in comparison to what I felt, what they represented. Do I have PTSD… I think that was something close to it. What triggered it? Why? What can I learn about me to fix this? How do I avoid it… probably can’t. If I can’t avoid it then how do I predict it and be okay with it? I need therapy. Or trust myself and run when I’m triggered? Ha. I wish it was that easy. 

My trigger may have been the conversation I was having with a man. Stupid right?! He wasn’t mean in any way and I could tell he was being honest about his feelings he was feeling at the time. We don’t know each other, we met a week earlier for about a minute, introduced by his sister who I am friends with. She told me later that night her brother was recently divorced. I just nodded my head and said “that sucks”, because I know how hard that can be. He left early and I didn’t think twice about it. It was my friend's graduation party. She had just finished nursing school. As a fellow nurse I went in support of her. It consisted of a few close friends and her family. 

 I go by a different name on social media so I can control who my friends are. Only my friends know me by both names. The man was asking his sister about me and she told him I was single and showed him how to look me up. He started messaging me through the app and I knew he was her brother and responded. I was being open as well. I don’t judge people until I have a good read on their character. I was not looking for a relationship or a hookup. Just thought I might make another friend by adding him at his request, and I stated that to him… friends.

 Through our conversation I asked him if his divorce was final. I have had experiences where men say they are single but the divorce isn’t final, so technically they’re manipulating the truth. I get the emotional connection and relationship is over. Usually this is accepted practice for men but not socially ok for women. Now I’m getting off topic, ha. Anyway… The man's answer to my question was, “just waiting on a few signatures.''  Okay, that’s not divorced! Right away I knew I would not do what he wanted me to in an effort to get to know him, other than a friend situation unless his divorce was official. I have also set a boundary not to date a man exclusively who was ‘just divorced’. 

The reason for only waiting a year or so post divorce to date exclusively is because of the dark, lonely, and desperate feelings of highs and lows emotionally as well as the sole searching that goes on for bettering oneself while facing the demons that led up to the ‘why’ in the divorce during that time period. It’s kind of an essential time period for self reflection, selflove, learning, and growth that needs to take place. Otherwise nothing changes and the toxic cycle that led a person to the separation in the first place keeps happening. I’m not a 'repeat offender' kind of person. 

In the conversation the man diminished his situation and went straight to talking about how attracted he is to me. He asked me if I was attracted to him and what he looked like in his Facebook pictures... specifically asking if I had looked at them, like he did mine. I didn’t entertain his question about Facebook stalking and ogling over each other's pictures. He also asked about my sexual experiences post divorce, which I wasn’t inclined to talk about with someone I hardly knew. I can’t feel physically attracted to a person and verbalize it or express it unless my brain has been tickled. Maybe that’s weird but intelligence is sooo much more attractive than any physical trait a person may have been born with or acquired through surgical means. I understand that maybe I am not normal in this regard and the typical man is very visual. Which is why I didn’t entertain the ogling. 

I did my best to communicate my boundaries when it comes to not doing anything exclusive with dating or seeking a relationship until the person is divorced and after they have been single for a while. He said ok, but ignored it by continuing with the attraction stuff. More ogling.. For three days leading up to my PTSD episode he was messaging me two, sometimes three times a day. I was feeling annoyed and frustrated. He said he ‘heard’ me but wasn’t letting up in any way, like it was a challenge he wanted to win. I felt disrespected and unheard. I felt bullied into matching his energy. Something I could in no way do. The thing he was looking for is not in me. Nor will it ever be with him (yes, at this point I have already made that decision). The man has already proven to be shallow by lying about the divorce, not discussing my boundaries (without even trying to get to know me personally), going straight to thinking we were made for each other and expecting me to feel the same way. 

As he continued to push his fawning and saying things like “I wish I had met you years ago”, “you are amazing”, “you are so sexy in that pic like it was made for me” I felt more and more misunderstood and trapped into returning the favor. I do believe that this triggered my episode and nightmare. That behavior is scary, repulsive, and animalistic. If I ever have another intimate relationship it will be with an evolved person who understands boundaries, desires to get to know me, and is sensitive to the history of my PTSD. Does someone like that exist? I seriously doubt it. Not in Idaho, and if they do then they are already in a secure healthy relationship I imagine. Ugh. It's frustrating to be female in a masculine induced patriarchal society. A society where a man thinks all he has to do is force his opinion upon someone and they are entitled to respect for it and get the same in return when it is demanded. I wish I could run away. 

The conversation might not have been rape or physically violent but it was just as scary and demoralizing for me. I am an independent woman with peace and choices and mutual respect in my friendships right now. I am in a good place. I will fight like hell to protect that. It is invaluable for me and my mental health as well as in my success as a woman, mother, and friend! Predatory behavior like stalking, love bombing, invalidation, persistence of pressure after being told it’s not okay is not who I am or anyone who is part of my life, nor will it ever be. So do I still need therapy. Yes… how do I avoid men like this when they are the majority? I think I’ll tell him I’m gay lol. No, that would be dishonest. He still won’t see past his dick regardless of what I say. He has proven that. Yuck. Time to block him and possibly lose a friend because his sister will be told 'who knows what' by her brother who will see what I've done as a bitch move, because all he was doing was “complimenting” a woman who should like it. But I don’t and he will never get it. 

"A life of Independence is no mere consolation,  indeed many would think it the better prize. After Passion cools and fate intervenes, who else is a woman left with but herself?"

Bridgerton S2E5 Lady Danbury.