Notes From The Past

My perception of who I am has been evolving through life. There are things I now see that have never changed. The importance of humanity, the need for acceptance and love is a basic human right. We cannot survive without it. I can't survive without it. Not just acceptance and love from others, more importantly from myself. I used to hate myself, no I didn't hate myself. I hated being helpless. I hated seeing others treated less than they should be, I hated feeling I am "unworthy". I was shown by a person who I felt was above me in every aspect that I saw myself, that I am not helpless. I infinitely hold the power to be me. Being honest with myself is accepting the things that make me who I am as something wonderful. Specially the things I used to see as faults, imperfections, and idiosyncrasies. Accepting every aspect of who I might be has helped me to move forward in life, after being taught to fear those things about myself. This fear lead to shame, frustration, guilt, and worthlessness. Shedding these old beliefs (truly lies) that kept me confined to a space less than a spec of sand, has helped me to deny self doubt, feel empowered, understand others in a way I didn't know possible. Seeing myself in others and wanting them to see their worth has become a gift. Looking back at the relationships I almost forgot I had, before the abuse that cultivated me for 18 years, found the very amazing people who also shared with me the innate ability to uplift and love in notes from the past. Here are a few I wish to preserve forever;

His first...

As a young, single adult, about age 18 or 19. I had spent time with many in a group, living away from home and learning to be independent. There were a few I had the most fun with. This is one from that time I enjoyed his attention, his sweet heart he wanted to share. He gave me this before he left. Our relationship blossomed as he made efforts to spend time with me. We had lunches in the peaceful cemetery near my work that had headstones as old as the first settlers. He included me in with his group of life long friends. I felt accepted. I now miss the innocence we shared.

  

The first of too many.....

As I packed up and out, I then had to unpack. I am still unpacking. Not sure what to  do with all the pictures of "us", how to meld them into the new but still I am the same. Just one less. I rummaged through the papers, files of things forgotten. Found the first of many "sorry's" I used to believe. The emotion is real, it is raw. It is what kept me in the cycle of a toxic marriage for 18 years. This first one though is the most genuine one of them all. It breaks my heart all over again to read it. I wish he could have done what he said. I wish he could have stopped doing what he does. I wish I could have been the one who helped him change it all. It reminds me of the freedom I now have, the hurt and pain I used to live in. Blaming myself for not being good enough. Here I share it with you...

Blasts from my past

It's hard to move on, out of a life I lived for 18 years. Finding out over and over again those years that it keeps happening... It was killing me. I need to leave to survive. To preserve the part of me that was genuine and free. As I move forward out of the old place and into the new one I had to do lots of house cleaning. Filtering through the pictures, letters, notes that got shoved away. These are the reminders of who I was to others, and a reminder of who I am to me. True to my nature, finding myself again requires I see the past. I had forgotten the relationships I was able to experience. The days of being young, free, innocent to love and secure in my existence are refined by experience.  So, here, I share those times with you through their eyes. Here is one that saw me for what I could give.